


keep a place for me

by waveydnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 04:04:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11394984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: a slow(ish) burn, minimally angsty, semi-realistic, youtuber au getting together fic in which phil is too kind for his own good and dan has to wait for him





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title is from self control by frank ocean

Dan stares at the mirrored image of himself on his laptop’s photobooth. His dungeon of a dorm room is so small and cramped he can’t sacrifice any precious space to hang a real mirror. It’s fine. He doesn’t really like looking at himself very much anyway.

 

But tonight he has to. He’s been forced into attending a house party and his mildly obsessive-compulsive behaviours dictate that his dark brown hair must be perfectly straightened, his outdated emo fringe arranged just right across his forehead.

 

He pulls out his phone to make one final last-ditch effort to convince his best friend Bryony to come along, or else save him from his misery by offering alternative plans.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: pleeeeeaseee???_

_-9:02pm_

**_Bryony_ ** _: dan, seriously i can’t. i wish i could_

_-9:03pm_

**_Dan_ ** _: i don’t wanna go :[_

_-9:03pm_

**_Bryony_ ** _: you have to. you need to meet some new people, make like, one friend._

_-9:05pm_

**_Dan_ ** _: i have friends!!_

_-9:05pm_

**_Bryony_ ** _: dan.._

_-9:06pm_

**_Dan_ ** _: fine._

_-9:08pm_

**_Bryony_ ** _: love you! we’ll get together soon, i promise_

_-9:08pm_

**_Dan_ ** _: then will you tell me what’s been keeping you away from me so much lately?_

_-9:09pm_

**_Bryony_ ** _: yes, you drama queen_

_-9:10pm_

 

He grudgingly slides his phone back into his pocket. It was worth a shot.

 

Once he’s sure that every hint of curl has been eradicated, he closes photobooth and checks the progress of his latest YouTube video. He doesn’t have a ton of subscribers, but it still gives him a thrill to see the view count climb and read the comments people have left for him.

 

He slams his laptop closed when his roommate, Sean, opens the door. YouTube is still his dirty little secret, the thing he does to stay sane while pursuing an incredibly sensible and soul-crushingly uninspiring degree in law at The University of Manchester.

 

“You ok there, mate?”

 

They’re not friends, not really. Sean is a perfectly nice guy and the perfect antithesis to Dan: athletic, dark-skinned, socially gifted. They have easy, superficial conversations. Dan never complains when Sean has his mates round drinking til four in the morning, and Sean is out often enough that Dan can film the odd video here and there. They don’t really know each other, and neither has demonstrated any desire to change that. They’re roommates.

 

So Dan had been surprised when Sean had insisted he tag along to this party.

 

“You never leave this room, not even to go to class. It’s depressing, man. You’re coming with me. You need to get out and get properly pissed,” he’d said. He was definitely exaggerating, but Dan hadn’t had it in him to argue.

 

“So whose party is this, then?” Dan asks quickly, hoping to distract his roommate from his very conspicuous awkwardness with the laptop.

 

“Just some guy. I don’t know him, he’s a friend of a friend. Apparently he just moved into a new flat, so I think it’s technically a house-warming party,” Sean answers absent-mindedly, shoving can after can of Heineken into his bag.

 

“Isn’t it going to be weird showing up to a house-warming party of someone we don’t know?” Dan asks incredulously, pulling a black jumper over his black t-shirt. It matches perfectly with his black jeans and black trainers.

 

“Nah, mate, it’ll be fine. We’re bringing pints as a gift.”

 

“Alright…” Dan says uncertainly. “Does he go here?”

 

“Uh, I don’t think so. I think he’s older. He makes videos or something.”

 

Dan’s eyes widen a little. “Videos? Like YouTube?” Maybe he could have fun at this party after all.

 

Sean laughs a little. “I dunno, mate, that’s all I know. I’ve never met the bloke.” He pulls on his shoes and looks at Dan. “You ready?”

 

*

 

The moment they enter the small flat, Dan all but gives up on the hope that he’s going to have a good time. Sean ditches him instantly for his real friends, and Dan is left alone in a sea of drunken strangers.

 

He sighs and makes his way over to the drink table in the corner of the lounge. If he’s going to stay, he may as well get a good buzz going. He peruses the options and settles for one of Sean’s Heinekens, turning to find a quiet, lonely corner to drink in peace.

 

He wanders around aimlessly for a while until he finds a small, unoccupied sofa. He sits and takes a long swig of his beer. He looks around the crowded room and sighs; unsurprisingly, he doesn’t recognize a single person. But the music that plays is loud and he thinks just maybe he could enjoy sitting on this sofa, quietly getting drunk and people-watching until Sean remembers he dragged his roommate to this stupid thing.

 

He’s just getting to the bottom of the can when he feels the sofa dip as someone sits in the small space beside him.

 

“Hello,” says the stranger. His voice is deep and tinged with the distinct accent of a Manchester native. Dan immediately notices that he has essentially the exact same haircut as him, albeit jet-black and somehow evoking a quality of effortlessness that he himself has never been able to achieve. Dan thinks there is something strangely familiar about him.

 

“Uh, hi,” Dan answers clumsily.

 

“Do you mind if I sit here?” His ice-blue eyes are boring into Dan’s, a smile on his face.

 

“Um, no. Go for it.” Dan curses himself for his awkwardness, thrown off by the friendly stranger’s sudden proximity. He wracks his brain for something a normal human would say in such a situation, but fails spectacularly.

 

“Oh, do you need another drink?” A thoughtful friendly stranger. With a face Dan swears he’s seen before.

 

“Sure. Thanks.”

 

“Same thing, or…?”

 

“Surprise me.” Where did that come from?

 

The stranger grins. “Awesome. Be right back.”

 

He can’t keep his eyes off the anonymous man as he plucks the empty can from Dan’s hand and disappears in the crowd. Why does he know that face?

 

He returns a few minutes later and hands Dan a tall glass of something blue.

 

“Thanks. What is it?”

 

“Try it,” the stranger smiles, and Dan can’t help but notice how his face lights up with it.

 

Dan takes a sip. “Bloody hell, that’s sweet. And strong.”

 

“I call it the Phil Special.”

 

“Phil?” Then it hits him. He _does_ know this guy. “Holy shit. You’re AmazingPhil.”

 

He laughs, nodding.

 

Dan wonders why it took him this long to figure it out. He’s seen quite a few of this guy’s videos. Phil is a YouTube dinosaur.

 

“Wait, is this your party?” Dan asks, admittedly the tiniest bit star struck.

 

“Yeah. I don’t usually have parties like this but my friend convinced me I should since I finally have a flat of my own. It kind of got away from me though, I don’t know half of these people.” He’s still smiling, almost like he has a secret.

 

“Shit, sorry. My roommate dragged me here. You don’t know him either, actually,” Dan chuckles. He’s starting to feel the alcohol flowing through him now, loosening him up a little.

 

“Oh it’s fine. I mean, I’m glad he did, otherwise I wouldn’t be meeting Dan Howell tonight.”

 

Dan’s jaw drops for a second. “How…”

 

“I watch YouTube too.”

 

“You… you’ve seen my videos?”

 

“Yeah. They’re great.”

 

Dan is stunned into silence. He’s just met one of the more well know British vloggers and he just happens to know about Dan and his channel. He’s only ever told Bryony about his little hobby. Not even his family knows, and now a stranger he meets at a party not only watches his videos, but can identify him in a crowd. He takes another long drink of the sweet electric blue cocktail to quell the strange swirling of anxiety and joy in his stomach.

 

“This is growing on me,” Dan says, forcing himself to sound casual.

 

“I have that effect on people,” Phil says, winking.

 

Dan laughs. “What are the chances two YouTubers meet at a random house party and actually recognize each other?”

 

“Must be destiny.”

 

This guy must be drunk, Dan thinks. It almost feels like he’s flirting.

 

“So, do you go to Manchester?” Dan asks, though he already knows the answer.

 

“No, I graduated from York last year.”

 

“What did you study?” Dan knows he’s being boring, but he’s still too shaken to come up with something interesting to say. He clings to polite small talk, hoping the fog will clear from his brain soon.

 

“Oh god, I don’t want to sound pretentious… do you want the long or short version?”

 

“Lay it on me, Phil.” Good. That sounded appropriately nonchalant.

 

“English language and linguistics, then a post graduate in the department of theatre, film and television, then a master of arts in video postproduction with a specialization in visual effects,” he says with a sheepish grin.

 

“Fucking hell.” Dan can’t help it, he’s impressed.

 

“I know, I’m so sorry,” he laughs.

 

“Don’t be. That’s like, the coolest thing I’ve ever heard probably.”

 

Phil laughs. The tip of his tongue pokes out between his teeth and Dan could swear his eyes actually twinkle. “What are you studying, then?”

 

“Ugh, please don’t ask.”

 

“I won’t judge, I swear.”

 

Dan sighs. “Law. I basically just picked something that’d make me sound smart.”

 

“Hmm.” Phil looks at Dan thoughtfully. “Can’t picture you as a lawyer, if I’m honest.”

 

“Neither can I, mate. That’s kind of my problem.”

 

“Well you’ve always got YouTube to fall back on, right?”

 

“Right,” Dan snorts. He takes another drink of his ‘Phil Special’ to stop himself saying anything horribly negative about his channel. He knows that he puts people off sometimes with his extreme self-deprecation and Phil is the nicest person he’s met in a long time. He finds himself smiling at the prospect of making a proper friend.

 

“So what do you do for fun?” Phil asks.

 

Dan laughs a little. He feels a twinge of fondness at the earnest expression on Phil’s face as he says it. It sounds like something you’d ask awkwardly on a first date, but Dan thinks Phil just genuinely wants to know the answer. “Um, make videos, eat, sleep, listen to music, play video games… I’m a pretty cool guy. You?”

 

“I mean, you just described my perfect day, really.” He’s beaming. “Finish your drink, there’s some people I want you to meet.”

 

Dan chugs the remainder of the syrupy blue concoction, relishing the buzz he feels on his lips and in his fingertips from the booze spiking in his bloodstream. His night has taken a surprising turn and he’d definitely be lying if he said he wasn’t intrigued by this peculiar almost-stranger.

 

As soon as Dan sets the glass down, Phil grabs his hand and pulls him up from the sofa. His hands are big and his skin is soft and warm and Dan’s hazy brain registers that it feels nice.

 

Phil doesn’t let go of his hand until they walk up to a small group of people hidden away in a different corner of the room, and Dan realizes he’d been wrong before. There are a few people here he recognizes. And they’re all YouTubers.

 

“Guys!” Phil exclaims excitedly. “I found another one!”

 

Dan can’t stop the smile that spreads tipsily across his face. What a strange, wonderful person this guy is.

 

“Who’s this, then?” says someone who looks startlingly similar to Dan. Same haircut, same big brown eyes, same pouty lips and baby face. Interesting.

 

“It’s danisnotonfire!”

 

Dan chuckles, “You can call me Dan.”

 

“Sorry, never heard of you, mate.” This stranger isn’t as friendly as Phil. He actually looks a little annoyed.

 

“Well Dan’s probably never heard of you either,” Phil says, pushing the rude stranger’s shoulder gently. “Dan, this is my… this is Charlie.”

 

“Hi,” Dan says quietly.

 

Before Charlie can say anything else, Phil gestures to the other people stood around him and says, “And this is PJ, and Stephen, and over here is Chris.”

 

Everyone else greets him fondly and Dan breathes a sigh of relief. He swears he sees Charlie roll his eyes before walking away, but he tries not to read into it.

 

They all chat idly for a few minutes before Phil turns to Dan and says, “You need another drink.”

 

“As do you,” Dan grins. “And it’s my turn to surprise you.” He’s surprised at himself. He’s never this comfortable in crowds of people, especially when they’re people he doesn’t know. But for some reason, tonight feels different. Phil feels different. He feels familiar and warm, like coming home. Dan shakes his head a little; he must be drunker than he thought.

 

“Brilliant,” Phil grins.

 

Dan walks to the drink table and realizes he doesn’t have a clue what to choose, so he opts for simplicity and throws together a couple of rum and cokes. He finds Phil and hands him the drink. “Not as exciting as yours.”

 

“That’s ok, as long as there’s sugar I’m happy.”

 

“So you like it sweet, then?” Dan winks. What the fuck? What is he doing? Is he actually flirting?

 

Phil takes a step toward Dan, close enough that he can hear Phil’s deep voice easily in the loud room. “Not always.” Ok, they’re definitely flirting.

 

Dan curses himself as he feels heat bloom in his cheeks when his eyes lock onto Phil’s.

 

“So Dan, how do you feel about DDR?”

 

Dan grins, feeling a rush of relief and, somewhere deep down, a twinge of disappointment when Phil breaks the tension.

 

“If you’re telling me you have a DDR pad then I regret to inform you that you’re going down, my friend.”

 

And he does, in spectacular fashion. It turns out Phil is not coordinated in the slightest and Dan absolutely annihilates him. By the end they are both red-faced and breathless, tears streaming down their faces with laughter. It’s the most fun Dan has had in a long time.

 

By the time Sean finds Dan, ready to return to campus, he’s spent hours sat with Phil on the sofa, drinking, talking and laughing.

 

“You ready to go, mate?” Sean asks, the surprise evident on his face at finding Dan properly drunk and squeezed into the small space with Phil.

 

Dan looks around the room, startled to discover that the crowd has thinned out considerably. He checks his phone. It’s 3am. “Bloody hell. Didn’t know it was that late. Alright. I’ll… I’ll be right there, k? Give me a sec.”

 

Sean nods and clears off, taking the hint. Dan looks at Phil. He doesn’t want to leave, doesn’t know what to say to Phil to express just how much he wants to see him again.

 

Luckily Phil says it for him. “Give me your phone.”

 

Dan hands it over and watches Phil type something in it before handing it back. Dan hears a ping and Phil pulls out his own phone, typing something in quickly and grinning. Dan feels his phone vibrate in his hand informing him that he’s received a text. He opens it.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: Call me. soon._

_-3:06am_


	2. Chapter 2

He wakes up the next morning hung over but happy. He grabs his phone and reads the text again, if only to remind himself that it was actually real. He’s never been all that great at making friends and he feels like he may have just made a really good one.

 

Before he can convince himself he’s stupid and embarrassing, he fires off a text of his own.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i had a lot of fun last night. you’re good at throwing parties_

_-10:49am_

 

He stretches his long arms and rolls over, fully intent on going back to sleep and hibernating for the remainder of this hangover when he hears his phone buzz.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: it’s easy when the guests are as great as you. when can i see you again?_

_-10:51am_

 

He grins stupidly at his phone, feeling a light fluttering in his stomach. Suddenly, he doesn’t feel so tired. He’s giddy and he doesn’t know what to say. He needs to talk to Bryony. He punches her number in quickly.

 

“Hello?” she mumbles sleepily.

 

“Bry, I need your help.”

 

“Huh? Dan? Why are you up this early on a Saturday? Did you not go to the party?”

 

“I did. That’s what I need to talk to you about.”

 

“Ok…” she says uneasily.

 

“I met… I made a friend.”

 

“Well done. I knew you could do it. Can we talk about this later, I’m fucking tired.”

 

“He asked me when he can see me again.”

 

That seems to catch her attention. “He? Who is he? Is he cute?”

 

“Oh shut up.”

 

“Well is he?”

 

He is silent a long time before saying, “Yeah.”

 

“Well what the hell do you need me for?!”

 

“I just… I haven’t done this in so long… what do I say?”

 

“Tell him you’ll see him tomorrow. Today you’re seeing me and we’re gonna talk about this, like a lot, k? I’ll be there in a couple hours.”

 

“Ok, thanks Bry,” he says smiling.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: tomorrow??_

_-11:03am_

**_Phil_ ** _: ok :] starbucks?_

_-11:04am_

*

 

“Tell me everything,” Bryony says, sitting on Dan’s bed and pulling him down to lay his head in her lap. His mind is still swimming from last night’s drinks, and maybe a little of something else too. His legs dangle off the edge of the too-small bed.

 

He grins embarrassingly. “He recognized me. From my videos.”

 

“What? Are you serious?”

 

“Yeah and the weird thing is I recognized him too.”

 

She slides her fingers into Dan’s hair, twiddling it absent-mindedly. “What d’you mean?”

 

“It’s AmazingPhil.”

 

“Shut the fuck up,” she says, astonished.

 

“Yeah, he just came up to me and started talking to me like we already knew each other. He actually… he said it was destiny.” He smiles at the memory.

 

“Dan.” She tugs his hair a little in pure disbelief. “That’s like, something from a movie. Did that actually happen?”

 

“I swear. Oh also, it turned out it was his party.”

 

“Well, he was obviously right. It’s destiny. You guys will be married in no time, I reckon.”

 

He laughs. “I don’t even know if it’s like that for him. He could just be a really friendly person.”

 

Suddenly he remembers the look on Charlie’s face when he’d seen Dan’s hand in Phil’s, the stilted way in which Phil had introduced him.

 

“Actually… he might have a boyfriend. There was this guy there who didn’t seem very happy to meet me.” Why hadn’t that thought occurred to him last night?

 

“Let me ask you something, k?” Bryony says determinedly.

 

Dan nods.

 

“I wasn’t there and you haven’t told me that much, but just think about this. Have I ever acted like Phil did with you last night? Have any of your mates?”

 

“Well… no,” he says, nervously chewing on his thumbnail.

 

“Did he touch you a lot?”

 

He remembers the warmth of Phil’s long fingers wrapped around his hand, the tiny sofa they’d sat on for hours, shoulders bumping, thighs pressed together. “Yeah, I guess.”

 

“And he gave you his number and asked when he could see you again?”

 

He nods again.

 

“Dan, I love you, but you’re pretty fucking thick sometimes. He’s definitely into you.”

 

“Maybe,” he shrugs, trying to keep the tiny spark of hope in his chest from catching. It did seem pretty clear that there was some chemistry between them, but he can’t get Charlie’s resentful expression out of his mind now that he’s remembered it.

 

They sit in silence for a while, Dan closing his eyes as Bryony massages his scalp.

 

“I’m kind of scared, Bry,” he whispers finally. “It’s been so long since…”

 

“Since Erin?” She asks softly.

 

Dan nods.

 

“And there really hasn’t been anyone else since?”

 

“No. You know there hasn’t. And definitely no guys.”

 

“Not even like, random hook-ups?”

 

He turns his head to give her his most incredulous stare.

 

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry I just find it hard to believe,” she says, rolling her eyes.

 

“Well, what about you?” He asks, desperate to change the subject now. “Where have you been lately?”

 

“Actually… I met someone too,” she says, a smile spreading across her face.

 

“Ok, now it’s your turn to tell me everything.”

 

*

 

Dan is lounging on his matchbox of a bed in his cell of a room, browsing the internet mindlessly when feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

 

**_Phil_ ** _: so dan.._

_-11:36pm_

 

**_Dan_ ** _: so phil.._

_-11:36pm_

 

**_Phil_ ** _: can i call you or are you busy?_

_-11:37pm_

 

Dan feels a whisper of nervousness flutter through his stomach, but takes a deep breath and shoves it aside. He’s just a friendly bloke who wants a chat because he’s bored, right?

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i’m woefully unoccupied at the moment so ring away_

_-11:38pm_

 

He answers on the third ring to preserve some semblance of cool. “Hello AmazingPhil.”

 

“Hi Dan, how are you?”

 

“I’m doing well thank you,” Dan laughs at the formality of it all. He can’t help it, he’s nervous. He tells himself he would be no matter who he was talking to. It isn’t because Phil is kind of gorgeous and dorky and funny and tall and… No. It’s because meeting new people and making friends can be scary when you are this socially inept.

 

Phil laughs too. “I didn’t really plan anything to say. I’m just sat alone in my new room and fancied a chat with you.”

 

Dan is so bloody grateful Phil can’t see the ridiculous grin that spreads across his face then. “That’s ok. A chat sounds nice.”

“So. What did you do today? That’s a good place to start, right?”

 

Dan laughs. “My friend Bryony came over and massaged my aching head for like an hour. Turns out I’m kind of a lightweight and you fed me a lot of booze last night.”

 

“Sorry!” Phil chuckles. “You’re so young though, I’m sure you were in better shape than me.” He pauses a minute before asking hesitantly, “So, is she like… your girlfriend?”

 

Fuck. Dan was not expecting that. It was going to be hard to deny to himself there was something going on here if Phil was going to be _that_ obvious about it.

 

“God, no. She’s like my sister.”

 

“Oh, right,” Phil laughs and Dan pretends not to hear the relief in his voice. “So, what’s your favourite band?”

 

Dan laughs properly now. “Ok, are we going to do this? Ask each other questions like middle schoolers?”

 

“Yes we are, Howell, you got a problem?”

 

“Not at all. I’d say… Muse? Or Radiohead? Or Kanye West, though I guess he’s not actually a band. I can’t choose, you started with a hard one. What’s yours?”

 

“Definitely Muse. It’s destiny after all,” Phil says fondly. “Favourite colour?”

 

“Black,” Dan replies instantly.

 

“That’s not actually a colour, but I’ll let that one slide.”

 

“So generous,” Dan chuckles. “What’s yours?”

 

“Blue.”

 

“Like your eyes,” Dan says without thinking. Jesus fucking Christ. Way to keep your cool.

 

Phil laughs. “You noticed my eyes, Dan?”

 

“Shut up,” Dan mumbles, but his voice is dripping with affection. “Next question.”

 

“Hmm… What’s something you hate?”

 

“Getting deep, are we?” Dan asks.

 

“Doesn’t have to be. I’ll tell you mine. I hate cheese.”

 

“What?! Who hates cheese?!” Dan shouts indignantly.

 

“Yeah, that’s the reaction I usually get,” Phil laughs.

 

“Ok, I hate… studying law.”

 

“Ouch,” Phil says sympathetically.

 

“Oops, I got deep, didn’t I?”

 

“That’s ok. I don’t mind going deep with you, Dan.”

 

“Bloody hell, Phil, that’s a bit forward,” Dan teases.

 

“Ah! I didn’t mean it like that!” Phil splutters.

 

“Uh huh, whatever you need to tell yourself, mate. My turn?”

 

They continue this way well into the night, asking each other about movies, books, food, tv shows, videos games and even each other’s families. Dan is astonished to discover just how much they have in common and how easy it is to talk to Phil. It’s not something that has ever come easily to him before.

 

As the hour grows later, Dan can hear the fatigue creeping into Phil’s voice, making it deliciously deep and gravelly and he curses himself for the thoughts that are beginning to form in the back of his mind. He finds his own drowsiness starting to make him braver, looser, a little less restrained with his questions.

 

“Ok, Phil, we’re going to take it up a notch are you ready?”

 

“So ready.”

 

“Ok… have you ever had a girlfriend?” Dan asks nervously. He hears how juvenile the words are even as they leave his mouth, but he can’t think of a more sophisticated way to get the information he’s looking for.

 

“Actually, no. You?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Right,” Phil says, and Dan doesn’t think he’s imagining the disappointment he hears in Phil’s voice.

 

“What about… a boyfriend,” Dan spits the last word out quickly and holds his breath.

 

“Yeah,” Phil laughs a little. He’s silent a while before saying quietly, “You?”

 

“Well, no,” Dan says. He continues before Phil has a chance to get the wrong idea. “Haven’t… hadn’t… met the right guy,” he’s almost whispering.

 

He’s never admitted that to anyone but Bryony, and even then it had taken a long time to work up the nerve. So far it was all theory and no practice; he’d been with his girlfriend for so many of those oh-so-important formative teenage years that his sexuality had felt like a moot point. But he hadn’t been able to ignore it forever. And by now he’s felt the stirrings long enough and strong enough to know who he is and what he likes. And it’s getting harder and harder to deny that what he likes right now might be Phil.

 

“Hadn’t?” Phil asks softly.

 

“I-”

 

“DAN!” At that moment, Sean bursts through the door and into the tiny room, yelling very loudly and drunkenly. “DAAAAAANNNN!”

 

“Is that your roommate?” Dan hears Phil ask.

 

“Yeah… I should probably go. Make sure he’s ok…”

 

“Oh right, of course. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Definitely. Night, Phil.”

 

“Goodnight Dan.”

 

Dan definitely doesn’t miss the longing in Phil’s voice then, and he curses Sean for coming in at the worst possible moment.

 

“Who were you talking to?” Sean asks loudly.

 

“Uh, Phil, actually,” Dan replies cautiously.

 

“The guy from the party?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Are you a puff then, mate?”

 

Dan feels the blood drain from his face. He isn’t really ready to have a conversation like this with someone he doesn’t particularly know or care about, but the late hour and the conversation with Phil make him feel a little braver than usual.

 

“What if I was?” He says defiantly.

 

“Oi, I didn’t mean anything by it,” Sean says stupidly, pulling his shoes off and flopping onto his bed.

 

Dan decides that that’s as brave as he wants to be tonight. He didn’t have to answer the question but he managed to make it clear that Sean was out of line. A part of him wishes he was brave enough to just say yes and deal with whatever fallout there might be, but he just isn’t yet. The most he can do for now is not say no.

 

*

 

It’s late afternoon. Dan sits on the small Starbucks sofa, hot mug of caramel flavoured coffee warming his hands. Phil’s knee is touching his and his heart is beating a little faster than normal. He tries to ignore it.

 

They aren’t as brave or flirty as they were last night, but that’s ok because it gives Dan space to appreciate how ridiculous and adorable and funny Phil really is. He sees that the tip of Phil’s tongue will always poke out between his front teeth if the laugh is genuine, his eyes becoming crescent shaped and crinkled at the corners. His voice is deep but his laugh is high pitched and sometimes gets caught as a groan in the back of his throat. He loves to insert animal noises into the conversation as much as possible. He fidgets with his fringe almost as much as Dan does.

 

They talk about their filming preferences and how they come up with video ideas. Dan tells Phil which of his videos are his favourites and Phil admits he went back and watched all of Dan’s videos the minute he’d left the party. Phil promises to give Dan editing tips if they can film a video together.

 

Phil listens politely while Dan talks at length about the genius of Kanye West. Dan almost spits out his coffee multiple times when Phil tells Dan some of the things he thought were true as a kid that weren’t. It takes them several hours to notice that their coffee is long gone.

 

“Do you want to come to my place for a while? Or do you have schoolwork to do or something?” Phil asks.

 

Dan thinks that even if he did have work to do, nothing could stop him saying yes to spending more time with Phil right now. “I can hang out,” he smiles.

 

They walk to Phil’s flat while the sun sets behind them. They enter Phil’s building and climb too many stairs for Dan’s liking. Once they finally reach Phil’s floor, he opens the door and says, “After you,” with a smile.

 

Dan follows Phil into the kitchen.

 

“Hungry?” Phil asks.

 

Dan nods. He doesn’t know if he’ll actually be able to eat with all the space in his stomach being occupied by a million butterflies, but he hasn’t eaten all day and he knows he should at least try. Maybe some food will calm the slight tremble that has developed in his hands.

 

“Hmm,” Phil says, opening up cupboard after cupboard as he searches his barren kitchen for something to eat. He doesn’t close a single one. “I forgot I don’t really have any food… Oh wait, look! Popcorn!”

 

“Your favourite,” Dan says with a smile, before he can tell himself that it’s weird that he knows that.

 

“You remembered?” Phil asks fondly.

 

“I guess so,” Dan laughs.

 

“Do you also remember what I said was my all-time favourite show? The one I promised to force you to watch someday?”

 

Dan nods. “Is today that day?”

 

“Yep!” Phil exclaims happily.

 

He makes two big bowls of popcorn and puts season 1 of Buffy in the DVD player. They sit on the sofa side by side and eat their popcorn as the screen comes alive with horrendous 90’s fashion, cheesy dialogue and questionable acting.

 

“It gets a lot better after the first season,” Phil says defensively.

 

Dan just laughs. They could be watching Twilight for all he cared.

 

They watch in comfortable silence. Phil tucks his feet up under his legs so that his knees push gently into Dan’s thigh. They’re sitting so close to each other, closer than they need to really, but neither makes a move for more space. Phil lays his head on the back of the couch and angles it toward Dan’s shoulder. Dan has to subtly ball his hands up into fists to keep from reaching out and pulling Phil closer. He wonders if Phil can feel the electricity in the small amount of space between them or if maybe he’s just going mad.

 

It’s late. They’ve been watching for hours. Dan thinks he should tell Phil that he has to leave now. But he can’t bring himself to say it. He doesn’t want to leave, but he’s tired and he yawns in spite of himself.

 

“Do you have to go home?” Phil asks then, as if he can hear every thought in Dan’s head.

 

“Uh… I guess I should, right?” Dan says unconvincingly.

 

Phil turns his head to lock eyes with Dan. “You can stay. If you want.”

 

Dan is temporarily stunned by the intensity in Phil’s expression. All he can do is nod.

 

Phil gets up and leaves the room without a word. Before Dan has time to wonder where he’s gone, he returns carrying his blue and green checkered blanket. He sits next to Dan again and throws the blanket over the both of them.

 

Then he wraps his arms around Dan’s shoulders and pulls him into his chest. He tilts his head to rest on Dan’s. “Comfy?”

 

“Yeah,” Dan whispers. And he is. Despite the sudden contact, he feels instantly calm and safe, warmth spreading down his body. Eventually his eyes grow heavy and the last thing he sees before he drifts to sleep is Buffy kissing Angel for the first time.

 

*

 

When he wakes up, he is still cradled in Phil’s arms. It seems they barely moved all night. He moves his head a little to try to get a look at Phil before he wakes, but it seems he’s too late. “Good morning,” Phil says sleepily, his voice deeper than Dan’s ever heard it. He tries not to dwell on how incredibly sexy it is.

 

“Morning, Phil.”

 

Phil lifts his head from Dan’s and Dan takes the opportunity to look up into his green-blue eyes. He feels his stomach flip. Phil is looking down at him with such intensity that it takes his breath away. They stare at each other far longer than could be passed off as anything but passionate.

 

Finally Phil looks away and smiles. “Sorry. You’re just…” He sighs quietly, deciding against whatever he’d been about to say. He lets go of Dan and stretches his arms above his head. “Do you have class today?” He asks instead.

 

“Fuck. Yeah, I do actually.” He’d completely forgotten.

 

“Can I make you breakfast first?”

 

“You’re gonna cook for me?” Dan teases.

 

“I could probably scrounge together some toast,” Phil chuckles.

 

“And coffee?” Dan asks hopefully.

 

“That I can definitely do.”

 

They eat burnt toast and drink strong coffee and chat shyly. Phil is blindingly adorable, his fringe pushed back into a quiff overnight, his eyes sleepy behind the thick framed glasses he’d put on after removing his contacts. Eventually Dan has to tear his eyes from Phil and accept that it’s time for him to leave. He needs to shower and go to class.

 

Phil walks him to the door and hugs him before he leaves. “Will I… can I see you again soon?”

 

“Definitely.”

 

He decides to wait for the lift instead of taking the stairs, too tired to even entertain the idea of doing any small amount of exercise. He’s still in a daze, his mind swimming with the feeling of Phil’s arms around his shoulders and the look he’d had in his eyes. So when the lift gets to the ground floor and the doors open he doesn’t notice the person waiting to get on.

 

“Dan? What the fuck?”

 

He looks up and he feels his stomach drop like a brick. It’s Charlie. And he looks pissed.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan sits on his bed, hugging his knees, trying not to jump to conclusions, but of course, it’s impossible.

 

He hadn’t had the courage to stick around even for a few seconds. The instant he’d seen the look on Charlie’s face, he’d bolted out of the lift and out the doors of Phil’s building, not daring to look back. He’d walked back to campus as fast as he could, all thoughts of actually going to class completely abandoned.

 

He looks at his phone. Still nothing. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting.

 

So Charlie is Phil’s boyfriend. Probably. He can’t really ignore that anymore. He tells himself it’s ok. They can be friends. They _are_ friends. They haven’t done anything that friends wouldn’t do. He just needs to adjust his expectations.

 

He wants to call Bryony. He wants to hear her say that everything is ok, there must be some misunderstanding, Phil has feelings for him and Charlie is just a friend. But he knows she won’t say that. That’s why Dan loves her; she doesn’t bullshit him. He already knows what she’ll say: that he needs to talk to Phil. But he doesn’t want to do that. Not yet.

 

Instead he goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth, showers, straightens his hair, gets dressed and goes to class.

 

*

 

When Phil calls him that night, he’s still not sure he’s ready to have this conversation, but he answers anyway.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi Dan.”

 

Dan’s heart sinks immediately. He can tell just from Phil’s tone that he’s not going to like what he has to say. “Hey,” he says quietly.

 

Phil is quiet a long time before saying, “So. You ran into Charlie.”

 

“Yeah,” Dan whispers. He waits for Phil to say something, anything, but he doesn’t. Dan’s going to have to be the brave one, then. “Phil?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Is he your boyfriend?”

 

Phil is quiet again before saying sadly, “Honestly, I wish I could say no.”

 

It’s not quite the answer Dan was expecting. He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not. “So, he is.”

 

“Yes,” Phil whispers. “But it’s… complicated.”

 

“What does that even mean?” Dan feels a spark of anger in his chest. He can’t have been imagining the look Phil gave him this morning.

 

Phil sighs. “It’s been… hard. Things haven’t been good between us for a long time.”

 

Dan refuses to allow himself to acknowledge the hope he feels nudging at him then. He needs to hear the whole story. “Ok…”

 

“I’m sorry Dan. I know you must be confused.”

 

Dan doesn’t say anything. He just wants Phil to talk so he doesn’t have to.

 

“I don’t have feelings for him like I used to, but… he’s going through some stuff right now. He’s having a really hard time and I just… I don’t want to be another person in his life who lets him down.”

 

And just like that, Dan realizes he’s actually starting to fall. With just a few words, Phil has managed to transform Dan’s infatuation into something deeper and more painful, even as he confesses his commitment to another man.

 

“I know I… I should have told you. I just… I didn’t expect to feel… like this. You took me by surprise. You… you snuck up on me, Dan. I’ve only known you a few days but I already don’t want to imagine my life without you.”

 

Dan tries to choke back the emotion that burns in the back of his throat. He feels tears forming in his eyes. It’s all too much.

 

“So, what do we now?” He whispers.

 

“I don’t know,” Phil says sadly. “Charlie is a good person. And he needs me right now. But… I’m not in love with him anymore.”

 

“What did you tell him this morning?” Dan asks.

 

“I mean, I told him the truth basically. You’re my friend and you spent the night on the couch because it was too late to go out alone.”

 

“Right.”

 

“He didn’t really believe me.”

 

“Can you blame him?” Dan asks.

 

“No, I guess not. I don’t want to lie to him, but I also don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

 

Dan is quiet for a while as he thinks. Yes, he’s attracted to Phil. Very much so. But he also knows that he could build a real friendship with Phil, and he realizes that it’s worth the disappointment he feels now not to walk away from something that could be great.

 

“You won’t,” Dan says. “And you don’t have to lie to him. Because we _are_ friends, right?”

 

“Yeah, but-”

 

“It’s ok Phil. It’s really fine.” Dan interrupts Phil before he can say anything else. If friends is all they can be then he wants to rip the plaster off right away, to push the thoughts of Phil’s body next to his out of his mind and move forward. “Anyway, I’m really tired, I’m gonna go to sleep now, ok?”

 

“Ok, Dan.” Phil sounds defeated.

 

He lies awake well into the night, listening to Sean snore and trying not to replay the images of the last few nights over and over in his mind. It doesn’t work. He allows himself this one night to wallow in the loss of what could have been. He falls asleep as the sun starts to rise, promising himself that he won’t run from finding platonic happiness with Phil.

 

*

 

It takes him several days and a long heart to heart with Bryony for Dan to work up the courage to answer Phil’s calls, but when he does he finds it easier than he’d thought to carry on the easy banter they’d established.

 

It’s easier over the phone. Easier to forget about the shape of Phil’s mouth and the broadness of his shoulders and the way his face lights up when he laughs.

 

Dan complains about his classes and his roommate. Phil shares his fears about ‘becoming a man’ and still not knowing what he wants to do with his life. They talk about filming a video together.

 

They never talk about Charlie.

 

It takes him a couple weeks to gather up enough courage to accept Phil’s invitation to come back to his flat. He still doesn’t know if he’s ready to see Phil again and keep any emotions from leaking through the walls he’s attempted to build up, but he knows that if they’re going to be friends then they need to get used to actually being around each other.

 

He knocks on Phil’s door. Phil opens it and Dan realizes immediately that being friends is going to be a lot harder than he thought. Unfortunately, Phil is still gorgeous.

 

“Hi, Dan,” Phil says, and he’s beaming.

 

“Hey.” Dan can’t help the smile that spreads across his face.

 

“I missed you.”

 

“Yeah, me too,” Dan says softly. He has to look away then, before either of them say anything more along those lines. He walks inside and heads for Phil’s kitchen. “Got any food for a starving uni student like myself?” Friends are allowed to be casually uncouth like that, right?

 

“Umm, no, not really,” Phil laughs.

 

“You’re not very good at this whole ‘adult’ thing, are you, Phil?” Dan teases.

 

“I guess not, but neither are you!” He squawks. “We can order pizza?”

 

“Ok, yeah. Sounds good. But, you know pizza has cheese on it, right?”

 

“I’ll manage,” Phil smirks. “So what do you want to do today, then?”

 

Dan knows exactly what he wants to do because he’s been thinking about it ever since Phil invited him over. He had come up with a perfect way to pass the time, something that would make them laugh and scream at each other. Something completely unromantic.

 

“I’m going to kick your ass at Mario Kart, mate.”

 

“Bring it on, Howell.”

 

They eat pizza and play Mario Kart for hours. They laugh and shout and hurl insults at each other. Dan wins almost every time. He tries to ignore how adorable Phil is when he tries to bant and race at the same time because he’s apparently unable to do either at full capacity, so he ends up saying really weird things or driving off cliffs.

 

They sit on opposite ends of the sofa, still closer than Dan would like, but as far apart as they can manage on such a small piece of furniture. He throws himself into the game, ignores the fondness that uncurls in his chest when he notices Phil’s mismatched socks, pretends he doesn’t see out of the corner of his eye when Phil’s gaze lingers a little too long on his face.

 

“I give up, Dan! You’re too good!” Phil shouts, tossing his controller after Dan annihilates him for the hundredth time.

 

Dan smiles. “Told you I’d kick your ass.”

 

Phil rolls his eyes. “Wanna watch something?”

 

Dan nods. “Buffy?”

 

Phil grins. “So you like it?”

 

“I didn’t say that,” Dan protests.

 

“It’s ok Dan, I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret.” He tries to wink but just ends up blinking both eyes dramatically. Dan laughs but he feels his heart break just a little. How can a grown man with box-dyed emo hair and a babycakes t-shirt be so disgustingly endearing, he wonders.

 

Dan lies down on his side and crunches his long legs up as Phil puts in the DVD. Phil sits on the opposite end of the sofa, careful not to touch Dan. They watch two episodes in silence before Dan feels his toes skim Phil’s thigh. His heart thuds in his chest, but Phil doesn’t react. He lets his foot stay pressed lightly into Phil’s jeans. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s just trying to get comfortable.

 

But then he feels warmth on his foot as Phil lays his hand on it and squeezes a little. It’s such a gentle touch on such an innocuous body part that Dan wonders why he can feel jolts of electricity shooting all the way up his leg. Neither of them acknowledge it, keeping their eyes glued to the escapades of Buffy, Xander and Willow on the screen.

 

It’s late when Dan yawns and says, “I should probably go…”

 

Phil looks at him with sleepy eyes and says, “You don’t have to.”

 

Dan feels his heart thumping hard in his chest. “Phil…”

 

“It’s late, you shouldn’t have to walk back to campus alone in the dark, I’ll feel bad.”

 

It’s a reasonable sentiment, but Dan knows it’s bullshit. He knows, and he’s trying very hard to care, but Phil’s eyes are hopeful and his hand is wrapped around Dan’s foot, his thumb gently stroking and Dan’s mind is starting to cloud over with just how much he wants Phil’s hand to stroke other places on his body, and how much he wants to lay his own hands on Phil’s body and…

 

“Phil,” Dan whispers because he hates what he has to say next. “What about Charlie?”

 

Phil’s face crumples a little. “Yeah,” he whispers, “Right.”

 

“I’ll call a taxi,” Dan says.

 

Phil just nods, removing his hand from Dan’s foot.

 

Phil walks Dan to the door when his taxi arrives and before he can leave, Phil pulls him into a hug. The feeling of Phil’s chest pressed so tightly against his is intoxicating, the warm musky scent making his head swim. He clings on tightly for a moment, revelling in the stolen intimacy before letting go and saying, “See you later.”

 

*

 

Dan spends the next day with Bryony and her new boyfriend, desperate for a distraction from his woeful inability to push all thoughts of Phil from his mind. She tries to ask him about it several times throughout the day, but he changes the subject every time, not ready to admit that in fact he’s probably fallen even deeper.

 

He likes spending time with Bryony. She’s funny and kind of crass and she knows him better than anyone else. He thinks, given some time, he could grow to really like her new boyfriend too. He happens to be an extremely talented artist, and the three share a lovely afternoon at Bryony’s apartment, drinking coffee and talking like grown ups, which is just what Dan needs today.

 

He thinks he may get away with just giving her a quick hug and a goodbye before heading back to campus, not having to reveal his spectacular failure so far at getting over his feelings for Phil, but she’s not about to let that happen. She insists on driving him, trapping him so he can’t avoid facing her judgement.

 

“Why don’t you want to talk to me about this? Since when do you hide things from me?” She says, buckling her seatbelt.

 

“I’m not hiding anything. I just don’t want to think about it to be honest.” He’s biting his nails.

 

“So it didn’t go well?”

 

“I mean… we still get on,” he says vaguely.

 

“What happened?” She asks.

 

Dan sighs. “Nothing. We played Mario Kart and watched Buffy and then I went home.” He knew he was being a bit of a git, but he just couldn’t help it. Perhaps seeing how happy she was in her new relationship was making him feel a little jealous, a little overwhelmed with the reminder that he’d finally found someone who might be able to make him happy, and he couldn’t have him.

 

“And were you thinking about touching his cock the whole time?” She asks, clearly fed up with his unhelpful answers.

 

“Jesus, Bryony.”

 

“Well?”

 

He’s glad she’s driving then, glad she can’t turn her head and see that his cheeks are bright red as he grumbles, “Pretty much.”

 

“Do you think he was too?”

 

Dan thinks about all the snarky answers he could give her, but he knows she won’t let him go until he tells her any and everything she wants to know. He reminds himself that it’s one of the many reasons he loves her: she doesn’t let him hide from his problems.

 

“Yeah,” he says quietly. It almost hurts more knowing Phil feels the same way. “What do I do?” He wants her to say something, anything, that will make sense of this situation he finds himself in.

 

“I don’t know. Can’t you just… like, get over it?”

 

He huffs out a surprised laugh. “Fuck’s sake, Bry. Don’t you think I’m trying?”

 

“I don’t know,” she repeats. “Are you?”

 

His stomach drops a little. He pulls his legs up and wraps his arms around his knees. “I don’t know,” he mumbles. “Maybe not that hard.”

 

“Do you even _want_ to get over him?” She’s so good at this. Asking just a few simple questions that put everything in perspective for him, making him see what’s already right in front of him.

 

“No. But I’m not a monster. I don’t want to make him a cheater. He’s trying to do the right thing.”

 

“In a way, he’s already cheating, Dan, don’t you think?” Her voice has gone soft and quiet. “And how long can he stay in a bad relationship because he feels bad for the guy?”

 

“So what are you trying to say?”

 

“Just… I don’t know if I should even say this… it’s probably the exact wrong advice to give… I’ve just never seen you like this.”

 

“Just say it please,” he begs.

 

She thinks for a long time before she responds. “I think you should hang in there. If you think he’s really worth it.”

 

Dan is stunned. “So I _shouldn’t_ try to get over him?”

 

She sighs. “I’m not saying you should actively try to break them up. And don’t be, like, a tease or anything. But that relationship is going to end eventually and I think you owe it to yourself to try to be happy for once. Or at least think about it.”

 

He stares at her. “Wasn’t expecting that answer, if I’m honest.”

 

“Well it’s not exactly the mature thing to do is it? But it seems like you both are a couple of fuckwits who can’t accept what’s obviously right there in front of you, so I’m just saying give it a bit of fucking time before you throw away something that could be good.”

 

Dan smiles. “You’re the best, Bry.”

 

She rolls her eyes. “I know.”

 

*

 

He thinks about it for a long time and decides that Bryony’s right, he doesn’t want to get over Phil yet. But it doesn’t change anything, doesn’t make anything easier.

 

He still gets butterflies when he sees Phil’s face appear on his computer screen for their near nightly Skype calls. He still finds it hard to concentrate in the classes he manages to show up for.

 

And he finds himself more than a little on edge as he sits on the floor of Phil’s bedroom with a camera pointed at him. They sit shoulder to shoulder, the contact burning warmth all down Dan’s arm as he reads out questions left for them by Phil’s twitter followers.

 

But as always, something about being with Phil brings more light and joy out of Dan than he even knew he had in him, and he finds himself giggling and banting and losing himself in the purity of their connection to each other.

 

It’s been hours. They wrap up the video, say goodbye to their viewers. Dan says something sarcastic to the camera to keep up his edgy branding and all of a sudden Phil’s arms are wrapped around him, pushing him to the ground. They’re chest to chest and Phil is lying on top of him and there’s that look again.

 

Phil’s ocean eyes stare into Dan’s so deeply that he forgets how to breathe. He forgets where they are and who he is and why they’re not ripping each other’s clothes off this very fucking second.

 

Dan thinks Phil might actually kiss him. His gaze moves down to Dan’s lips and Dan feels his heart flip over and he can hear his pulse in his ears and then Phil’s phone rings and the spell is broken and Phil is standing up and saying, “Sorry, shit, sorry,” and leaving the room to answer the call.

 

Dan lies flat on the floor for a minute, too stunned to move. The back and forth is starting to give him whiplash.

 

Eventually he gets up and leaves Phil’s room, heading for the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face.

 

Then he hears Phil’s voice from behind the bathroom door and he knows he shouldn’t but he can’t help listening.

 

“… I almost did just now… I know… I’m going to. Tonight. I can’t do this to him anymore… yeah… I have to go. Thanks Peej.”

 

Dan doesn’t know what he just heard but he patently refuses to make any assumptions or draw any conclusions.

 

Phil opens the door and jumps when he sees Dan standing there.

 

“Who was that?” Dan asks, not even trying to pretend he hadn’t been listening.

 

“Uh, my friend PJ, you met him at the party,” Phil stutters, clearly flustered.

 

“Right. So, do you have something you need to tell me?” He steels himself for whatever it is Phil needs to say.

 

“Uh, not right now. Actually, I have to go. There’s something I need to do. Something I should have done a long time ago.” Phil seems sad but somehow hopeful.

 

“Oh. Ok…”

 

“Yeah, sorry. I’ll explain later. Can we get together again soon, though? Maybe edit the video together?”

 

Dan goes to bed that night confused, the image of Phil’s hungry eyes burned into his mind even after he comes over his fist remembering the feeling of Phil’s body weighing down on top of him.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Phil_ ** _: pj’s having a party tonight, wanna come with me?_

_-10:30am_

 

It’s been weeks since they filmed the video and Phil still hasn’t explained why he’d left so suddenly or who he’d needed to talk to. Of course, despite himself, Dan had formed an assumption, a hope, but it seemed he’d been wrong. They are still trying desperately to forge ahead with their platonic relationship. In fact, Phil had only called him a few times since, so he is surprised to get this invitation. Part of him wants to ask why Phil doesn’t take Charlie, but he doesn’t want to pass up any opportunity to see Phil, no matter how painful it may be.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: sure_

_-10:37am_

 

**_Phil_ ** _: k :] i’ll pick you up at 8, he lives close to the campus_

_-10:38am_

**_Dan_ ** _: k. is it a big one?_

_-10:40am_

**_Phil_ ** _: no, not at all. Just the youtube crew, basically_

_-10:43am_

 

Phil is true to his word and picks Dan up at 8. Dan groans a little internally because Phil looks incredible. His hair is so shiny and black, standing out against his pale, lightly freckled skin. He’s wearing a fitted blue button up shirt and Dan hates himself for noticing how much it brings out the blue in his eyes. He has stubble on his jaw and his bottom lip is full and Dan needs to force himself to look away. He wonders if he will ever cease to be bowled over by how attracted he is to Phil. Every time he sees him is like the first time.

 

They walk to PJ’s house and Dan knows something is different. The conversation is scarce, Phil’s smiles less easy. He can’t pretend though that he doesn’t notice how often Phil looks at him when he thinks Dan can’t see. Dan wants to ask him what has changed, but he’s afraid of the answer.

 

The party turns out to be more of a gathering. There are less than ten people, there is music but it’s not loud, there is drinking but no one is wasted. There are snacks and video games and casual conversations, and before long Dan finds himself tucked into a sofa sat next to Phil with a drink and a smile. The alcohol seems to be melting the chill between the two of them, Phil’s laughs coming a little easier, the tension in his shoulders easing. Dan is talking to PJ about his channel when he feels Phil stretch his arm out over the back of the couch, so close to Dan’s shoulders that he can feel the warmth of Phil’s skin. Their thighs are pressed together firmly. There is plenty of room on the sofa for them to occupy their own space, but neither of them make a move to separate.

 

Eventually someone notices that no one is embarrassingly drunk yet and insists that a drinking game is in order. Someone else suggests Never Have I Ever.

 

“You say something you’ve never done and the people who have have to take a drink,” PJ explains, despite the fact that Dan is sure everyone already knows how to play. They pull up chairs and take turns trying to think of the most cheeky and embarrassing secrets they can pry out of each other.

 

“Never have I ever been arrested.” No one drinks.

 

“Never have I ever shoplifted.” A few people drink, but not Dan or Phil.

 

“Never have I ever had sex in the shower.” Dan blushes and takes a sip of his drink. He sees Phil take a shot and grin when Dan cocks his eyebrow in surprise. He tries desperately not to picture himself naked and wet with Phil, kissing his neck and grabbing his… Nope. He’s not thinking about it.

 

The questions continue like this, naughty but harmless until it gets to PJ. He looks Phil square in the face and says, “Never have I ever stayed with someone even though I knew it wasn’t the right thing.”

 

Phil looks furious as he takes his drink. Before anyone can ask him about it he says, “My turn.” He looks at Dan. “Never have I ever… waited around for someone to get their act together.”

 

Dan would laugh if he weren’t so incredibly anxious. Phil isn’t even trying to play the game. He’s sitting in a room full of people, staring Dan straight in the eye and asking if he still has a chance.

 

But why would he ask that? Phil is still with Charlie, still frustratingly, maddeningly off-limits. Why does he insist on making it so hard for Dan to move on?

 

He honestly doesn’t know if he wants to answer truthfully. He knows he can’t keep going on like this forever; he can’t keep pining and holding his breath. But then he thinks about everything Bryony told him. Maybe Phil was asking if Dan was waiting for him because he was finally ready to put his own happiness first.

 

Either way, Dan realizes that he still feels the same as he did that day in the car with Bryony; he wants Phil and he’s not ready to give up yet.

 

Dan takes a drink. Phil smiles.

 

It’s Dan’s turn, Dan’s opportunity to get an answer out of Phil. There are so many things he wants to know, but he decides he’ll settle for a confirmation that his feelings are not one-sided.

 

“Never have I ever… fallen for my best friend.”

 

It’s really not his most burning question, but he’s feeling confused and insecure and he wants to see his affections validated. He smiles when Phil takes a shot. He makes sure Phil is looking at him before he takes a drink too.

 

“You guys are weird,” someone says, laughing. “Using a drinking game to profess your love for each other.”

 

Shit, Dan thinks. He starts to protest but the stranger says, “It’s ok, mate. What happens at a YouTube party stays at a YouTube party.” He winks.

 

Thanks to the game, Dan knows two things for sure. One, Phil is still with Charlie. Two, Phil is in love with Dan.

 

*

 

Phil walks Dan back to his dorm room in the middle of the night. They are both drunk and Dan feels a little floaty. He’s happy and a little sad but he feels Phil’s shoulder bumping his as they walk and they’re talking and giggling and just for right now everything is soft and easy and good.

 

When they’re outside Dan’s room Phil says, “Ok, bye Dan,” and he looks a little wistful and Dan realizes that he’s not ready to say goodbye, not when he has the perfect excuse to get Phil into his bed.

 

“You can’t walk home alone in the dark, Phil. It’s the middle of the night. Stay.”

 

“I could call a cab,” Phil says slowly, his eyes boring into Dan’s.

 

“Or, you could stay,” Dan says softly.

 

“I could…” Phil looks pained.

 

“You should.” Dan knows he’s doing a bad thing now, but he just can’t bring himself to care. “I won’t touch you.”

 

“What if I want you to?” Phil says, his voice a husky croak.

 

Dan feels fire spike through his veins and all he wants to do is open the door and throw Phil on the bed, rip his clothes off and kiss his body and taste his skin, but he can’t. He doesn’t want Phil this way, sordid and hidden and something he’ll regret in the morning.

 

He closes his eyes and whispers, “Then you need to break up with your boyfriend. I don’t want to share you.”

 

Phil opens his mouth to reply, but Dan cuts him off. “I still want you to stay. Please?”

 

Phil nods.

 

Dan opens the door to his room and steps inside, relieved to find it empty. He doesn’t want to answer any more of Sean’s questions tonight. Phil follows him in and closes the door. They are silent, the air charged with tension so thick it’s almost palpable.

 

Dan turns to face Phil, who is leaning against the door, looking unsure. He steps away from Phil and unzips his hoodie, pulls it off. He hooks his fingers under the hem of his shirt and pulls that off too. He unbuckles his belt and unzips his fly and pushes his jeans down, kicking them off. He’s stood in the middle of the room in his pants staring straight at Phil. Phil is staring back at him with dark unblinking eyes.

 

Dan takes a few steps forward until he’s stood directly in front of Phil. He brings his hands up to the collar of Phil’s shirt and begins unbuttoning it slowly, until it hangs open and Dan can see the milky complexion and sparse hairs of Phil’s chest. He pushes the shirt off Phil’s shoulders slowly, shivering as his fingers brush the warm smooth skin. He moves his hands down and unbuckles Phil’s belt. He keeps his eyes on Phil’s and he’s never felt anything like this, this hunger, this unbearable desire. The look Phil is giving him is almost enough to make him forget that this man is not his to touch. He doesn’t care. He’s not going to touch Phil, not in the way he wants to.

 

But he is going to take his clothes off and stare and sleep next to him because he can and it’s the most restraint he can exercise tonight as his head swims with the drinks from the party and the sound Phil makes when Dan pushes his jeans to the ground.

 

“Dan…”

 

Phil’s eyes are raking over Dan’s body and he’s biting his lip. Dan takes his hand and leads him to the bed. He turns off the light and climbs under the covers and pulls Phil in beside him. He wraps his arms around Phil’s waist and pulls so his back is flush with Dan’s chest. Their bodies are slotted together in a perfect fit and Dan knows Phil can feel him pressing his hardness into his ass but he tells himself that if they both ignore it then there’s nothing wrong with it.

 

“Goodnight Phil,” Dan whispers and they lie together in silence, waiting for sleep to take them.

 

*

 

Dan wakes up late the next morning hung over and alone. The space next to him is cold and empty and the first thing he hears when he wakes up is Sean saying, “I thought you might be dead, mate.”

 

Dan looks at his phone. It’s actually not even morning anymore, it’s 2pm. He has a message from an unknown number. He doesn’t want to read it right now. His head is pounding and his heart is broken and he kind of wants to go back to sleep and forget everything.

 

“When did you get in?” He asks Sean groggily.

 

“Early, like 6 or something. I guess you had a crazy night then, yeah?” Sean says, smirking.

 

“What d’you mean?” Dan is not awake enough for this conversation.

 

“You weren’t alone when I got in. Did you forget?” Sean asks.

 

Dan feels a knot forming in stomach. He doesn’t want to have _this_ conversation on top of everything else swirling around inside him right now.

 

“We’re just friends,” he says stupidly.

 

“Friends who sleep naked together?” Sean asks, one eyebrow cocked.

 

Dan just shrugs then. He doesn’t want to explain it, doesn’t really know how he would even if he did.

 

“It’s fine by me, Dan, you don’t have to hide it. Just like, leave a sock on the door or something next time so I don’t get an eyeful.”

 

Dan looks at Sean in surprise and realizes he’s been judging his roommate a little too harshly.

 

“We really are just friends,” Dan says again, but this time he doesn’t try to hide the tone of regret that comes with having to refer to Phil as simply a friend.

 

“Alright, whatever you say,” Sean says sceptically.

 

Dan is quiet before his curiosity gets the better of him. “Did he say anything before he left?”

 

Sean laughs. “Friends my ass. You realize I get the credit for basically hooking you two up right? You’d have never met him if I hadn’t dragged you to that party.”

 

“Yeah, I guess so,” Dan agrees, giving up on trying to convince Sean that he and Phil aren’t together. “So… did he say anything?”

 

“He said he was sorry I had to see him in his pants first thing in the morning, but that I should probably get used to it.”

 

“No he didn’t,” Dan says thickly, refusing to let himself hope.

 

“I’m staying out of it,” Sean says, shaking his head. “You two need to figure your shit out.”

 

He rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling, wondering why Phil would say something like that. Unless… He really doesn’t want to get his hopes up. He doesn’t want this feeling anymore, this back and forth of anticipation and disappointment.

 

He looks at his phone again and decides to open up the anonymous text to distract himself.

 

**_Unknown_ ** _: he’s all yours now, you better be good to him_

_-10:09am_

 

His heart stops. It must be Charlie, right? His hands shake as he rereads the message over and over. He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t resist messaging back.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: charlie?_

_-2:15pm_

 

He wonders if Charlie will even respond. The whole situation feels so surreal. He jumps when his phone buzzes almost instantly.

 

**_Charlie_ ** _: obviously. how many other couples are you trying to break up?_

_-2:16pm_

 

Dan really doesn’t know what to say. He has so many questions, but not necessarily ones that would be kind to ask the person who’s just been dumped by the man he wants. He waits, hoping Charlie will say something else and save Dan from having to ask anything himself. Unfortunately, nothing.

 

He decides to go for the sympathetic, understanding approach. He realizes Charlie must be feeling like shit right about now if this is all really happening and not just some weird fever dream.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i was never trying to break you up. phil cares about you a lot._

_-2:22pm_

 

**_Charlie_ ** _: i know. that’s the only reason i’m even talking to you. he’s the best person in the world. if you tell him i said this i’ll kill you but he stayed with me way longer than anyone else would have. he tried to end it a while ago but i wouldn’t let him and he just accepted it because that’s just who he is._

_-2:27pm_

 

**_Dan_ ** _: so what happened_

_-2:27pm_

 

**_Charlie_ ** _: he came to my flat this morning crying and told me he couldn’t hurt me anymore. he told me he’s in love with you and i deserve someone better. which is bullshit because i’ve been nothing but horrible to him for a long time. i knew how he felt about you and that he was only staying with me because i have no one and my dad hates me and i’m a mess but i didn’t care, i just wanted him to stay. but then HE was crying because he was hurting ME and i realized he deserves better than someone like me_

_-2:35pm_

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i’m sorry Charlie, i really am_

_-2:37pm_

 

**_Charlie_ ** _: whatever. i’m probably always going to hate you, sorry. i just need you to know what kind of person phil is. he was there for me when no one else was. he deserves the fucking best so you better be ready to treat him right_

_-2:44pm_

 

**_Dan_ ** _: i will._

_-2:46pm_

Dan’s mind is reeling. He could lie in bed all day, panicking, overthinking, questioning what comes next. Or he could just go see Phil and figure it out once and for all. He’s tired of wondering and waiting.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: are you home?_

_-2:51pm_

**_Phil_ ** _: yeah_

_-2:52pm_

**_Dan_ ** _: can i come over?_

_-2:52pm_

**_Phil_ ** _: ok_

_-2:56pm_

He thinks it’s maybe a little weird that Phil’s answers are monosyllabic, that he hasn’t tried to get in touch with Dan all day even though he’s made this massive step towards finally being together. But he doesn’t want to text, or call, or Skype. He wants to look into Phil’s eyes and hold his hands.

 

*

 

Dan is not ready for the look on Phil’s face when he opens the door a few hours later. His eyes are red and puffy behind his glasses, he’s wearing a hoodie and pyjama pants and he doesn’t say a word as he lets Dan in. Dan steps inside and Phil closes the door behind him, turning to face Dan. They just look at each other for what feels like a long time.

 

“Hi,” Dan says quietly.

 

Phil walks up to him wordlessly and buries his face in Dan’s neck. Dan wraps his long arms around Phil’s chest and holds him, just holds him and lets Phil’s tears roll onto his shoulders. Phil doesn’t sob, just quietly releases what Dan can only assume are tears of guilt and confusion and uncertainty.

 

Eventually Phil looks up at Dan and their faces are close enough that their noses almost touch. He looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t know how. Dan takes his hand and leads him to the sofa.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan asks softly.

 

Phil nods, but doesn’t say anything.

 

“Is it too weird to talk about it with me?”

 

“Yeah, maybe,” Phil whispers.

 

“I’m your friend, remember? You can tell me anything.”

 

Phil sniffles. “I just… it’s stupid I know, but… I didn’t want to hurt him.” He wipes his nose on his sleeve and pulls his knees up. “He wasn’t the best boyfriend but I made a promise that I would always be there for him. And I tried, I tried for a long time.”

 

“I know, Phil. He knows that too,” Dan rubs Phil’s back in slow circles.

 

“So he actually messaged you?”

 

Dan nods.

 

“I didn’t think he actually would. I gave him your number, I hope that’s ok. I probably would have done anything he asked in that moment, I felt so guilty. I hope he wasn’t too horrible to you?”

 

“No, not at all, really,” Dan assures.

 

“What did he say?” Phil’s voice is barely above a whisper now.

 

“He said you deserve to be happy, Phil, and he’s right. He said you’re the best person in the world and that… that I better treat you right.”

 

Another tear rolls down Phil’s cheek, but he’s smiling now. “This is the weirdest thing, isn’t it?”

 

“I mean… it’s a little weird,” Dan laughs. “But it’s fine. You should take all the time you need, and I’ll be here when you’re ready ok? I’ll be here in whatever way you need.” He reaches out and wipes the tear from Phil’s cheek with his thumb.

 

Phil nods.

 

“So, do you need some time alone or…” Dan asks.

 

“No. Please don’t go.” He reaches out and grabs Dan’s hand. “I never want you to go.”

 

“Me neither,” Dan replies, smiling.

 

Dan makes them coffee and Phil gets blankets and they sit on the sofa for hours playing Bubble Bobble until they reach level 100. There is no more tension; everything is soft and cozy and the feeling of promise floats in the air around them.

 

Phil yawns. “I want to watch Buffy, but I also want to lie in bed.”

 

“Oh, you’re going to bed? Ok. Just let me call a-”

 

“Dan. I said I want you to stay. I don’t care if you have class tomorrow. You’re staying here until I say otherwise, ok? I don’t really want you to leave ever again, but for now I’ll settle for tonight. You are staying over and you’re sleeping next to me, got it?”

 

Dan nods, beaming.

 

Phil grabs his laptop and leads Dan to the bedroom. He puts the computer down on his desk and turns to Dan, suddenly looking nervous.

 

“Do you want me to find you something to wear?” Phil asks

 

“No. I mean, not unless you’re uncomfortable…”

 

“I’m not,” he says quickly, taking a step toward Dan. “If last night is anything to go by, your body makes me anything but uncomfortable.”

 

Dan’s breath hitches when Phil takes another step closer, curls his fingers under Dan’s shirt and pulls it off.

 

“I couldn’t sleep last night,” Phil says, his voice low and deep. “I couldn’t stop thinking about… about how good you felt, about all the things I wanted to do but couldn’t.”

 

Now it’s Dan’s turn to pull Phil’s shirt off. “Do you want to do them now?” Dan asks quietly, taking in the loveliness of Phil’s naked chest.

 

Phil lets out a nervous laugh, “I do, of course I do. But…”

 

“It’s too soon?” Dan understands, but he feels the sting of rejection all the same.

 

“It’s not like that Dan. I got over Charlie a long time ago. But this… us… it feels different. It feels like… like it could be…”

 

“Great?” Dan asks, smiling.

 

“Yeah. Like, really great. The greatest.” He’s smiling sheepishly and his cheeks are the prettiest shade of pink.

 

“So you wanna take things slow?”

 

“I want to try. I want to do this right.” He raises his hands and cups Dan’s jaw on either side. “Not too slow, though,” he says as he brings his lips to Dan’s.

 

Dan melts into Phil as soon as their mouths connect. Phil’s lips are soft and full against his. The kiss is gentle and tender, a whisper of affection that is over too soon as Phil pulls back and looks into Dan’s eyes.

 

“I’ve been wanting to do that since the first time I saw you,” Phil whispers.

 

Dan smiles wider than he would have thought possible. They both take off their jeans and climb into Phil’s bed with the laptop between them. They watch Buffy until they’re both yawning and Phil mumbles, “Sleep?”

 

Dan nods. Phil puts the laptop on the floor and turns over onto his side. Dan does the same and they’re facing each other, separated by the tiniest of spaces in Phil’s double bed. Dan shuffles forward until that space is gone and his chest is pressing firmly into Phil’s and the warmth is overwhelming. He reaches up and slides his fingers into the silky hair at the back of Phil’s head and he ghosts his lips over Phil’s and whispers, “Can I kiss you?”

 

Phil doesn’t say anything, just surges forward connecting their mouths in a burst of longing and it’s so much hotter and wetter than before and Dan is tugging on Phil’s hair and he feels Phil’s tongue against his as he parts his lips. Dan thinks he might die; his skin is on fire and he’s hard as a rock and Phil is making the most sinful noises right into Dan’s mouth and his hands are wandering down to squeeze Dan’s ass.

 

In a moment of herculean strength he wrenches his mouth from Phil’s and gasps, “Thought… you wanted… to take it… slow.”

 

“That was a stupid fucking idea,” Phil growls, his voice so low and deep and husky that Dan’s stomach flips. “I’ve been thinking about you every night since we met. I don’t want to wait another fucking second.”

 

Hearing Phil curse is the last nail in the coffin. Dan couldn’t stop now if he wanted to. He grabs the back of Phil’s neck firmly and pulls him into another kiss. Knowing that there are no more restrictions makes him giddy and he licks into Phil’s mouth with abandon, biting his bottom lip and moaning.

 

Phil runs his hands up and down Dan’s chest as he kisses back with intent. He grabs Dan’s hips and pushes his own forward slowly and Dan can feel their cocks press against each other. He gasps. Never having done this before, he’s shocked at just how amazing it feels, even through two pairs of boxers.

 

Then, Phil pushes Dan down onto his back and nudges his legs apart, settling his hips between them as Dan complies. Dan forgets how to breathe as Phil starts kissing and biting at the spot below his jaw and rolling his hips lazily into Dan’s crotch. All Dan can do is dig his nails into Phil’s back, hard, so hard that he thinks it probably hurts, but he can’t bring himself to stop.

 

His heart hammers as Phil starts moving his mouth slowly down Dan’s neck, sucking hickies as he goes. He pays special attention to the dip between Dan’s neck and collarbone and Dan groans loudly, so loudly that he might be embarrassed later, but right now he doesn’t give a fuck, he just wants to know exactly how far down his body Phil’s mouth will go.

 

“Can I touch you?” Phil asks against Dan’s neck and Dan can’t seem to form words so he just nods and hopes Phil understands how emphatic his approval is.

 

It’s not enough for Phil, because even in the heat of the moment he’s a true gentleman so he pulls back a little to look into Dan’s eyes and says, “Are you sure?”

 

“Please touch me Phil, I want you so fucking bad,” Dan chokes. He’s never felt anything like this and the hunger building up inside him is starting to feel almost painful.

 

Phil curls his fingers over the waist of Dan’s pants and tugs them down slowly, seeming to enjoy the way Dan holds his breath. He pulls them off and tosses them aside before sitting back on his heels and taking a moment to stare at Dan’s naked body. Dan would feel self-conscious if not for the undisguised looks of lust on Phil’s face, the way he’s biting his lip and rubbing up and down Dan’s thigh leaving no doubt that he likes what he sees.

 

Phil leans forward to connect their lips again, briefly. Then he’s kissing down Dan’s chest and then his stomach. He stops when he gets to the space under Dan’s navel.

 

Dan closes his eyes. His chest is heaving and he’s painfully turned on and he can’t watch anymore because despite the fire in his veins, he’s nervous. Then he feels Phil’s mouth around the head of his cock and all thoughts fly out of his head. It’s so warm and wet and the feeling is incredible as Phil sinks down and takes him deeper. He uses his tongue to lick the underside as he moves his mouth up and down the length of Dan, stopping every once in a while to suck on the head and run his tongue over the slit.

 

High-pitched moans are falling from Dan’s lips like rain. It’s not long before he has to shove his fist in his mouth and bite down hard on the knuckles to keep himself from tipping over the edge. He wants this to last.

 

When he thinks he can’t last another twenty seconds before coming right into Phil’s mouth, he chokes out, “Phil, Phil, come here.”

 

Phil gives the head of Dan’s cock one last wet suck before popping off and moving up Dan’s body to kiss at his neck.

 

Dan can’t be arsed to tease like Phil did to him, just slides his hand down into Phil’s pants and wraps his long fingers around Phil’s hard length and strokes. He’s never done this before, but his overwhelming arousal obliterates any feelings of fear or inadequacy. It’s messy and uncoordinated, not nearly as seductive as what Phil did to him, but it’s dirty and it’s hot and if Phil’s groans are anything to go by, it’ll do just fine.

 

“Touch me Phil, I wanna come together,” Dan pants into Phil’s hair. Then they are both jerking each other hard and fast, and it doesn’t take long for Phil to bring Dan to the edge. He feels heat building in the pit of his stomach, his muscles tensing and his toes curling and then he’s coming, so hard he sees stars and feels come spurting all the way up to his chest. He doesn’t have time to be self-conscious because then Phil is moaning “Oh fuck,” and he’s coming too, his eyes screwed shut and his teeth catching his bottom lip.

 

Dan is a mess, his chest and stomach decorated with the aftermath of both his and Phil’s orgasms, but he feels so blissed out and boneless that he couldn’t care less.

Phil leans forward and kisses his forehead before rolling off the bed with a, “Be right back.”

 

He returns with tissues and a glass of water. He cleans Dan up and hands him the cup, then climbs into bed beside him and lies down. Dan chugs the water gratefully, then snuggles in next to Phil.

 

“Phil?” Dan asks blearily.

 

“Hmm?” Phil sounds like he’s half asleep already.

 

“I want to say something but it’s like, horrendously cheesy, so you have to promise not to laugh, k?”

 

“I promise I’ll try not to,” Phil chuckles.

 

“You were worth waiting for,” he mumbles into Phil’s neck.

 

Phil laughs, but it’s all honey and warmth and he wraps his arms around Dan and kisses the top of his head and says, “I’m so glad we don’t have to wait anymore.”

 

*

 

They spend the next morning drinking coffee and editing their video. They laugh at how painfully obvious the tension is in every frame.

 

“How are we ever going to edit out all this fucking flirting?” Dan whinges.

 

“I mean, we don’t have to, do we?” Phil asks, his tone a little to the left of joking.

 

“Uhh, well… no, I guess we don’t.” He feels warmth flood his chest. Phil is his to flirt with now for all the world to see and he doesn’t have to feel guilty or hold himself back. He leans over and kisses Phil right on the mouth because he wants to and he can. The freedom is dizzying. It’s probably going to take him a while to get used to it.

 

*

 

Later, when they’re lying naked and sated in Phil’s bed again, giggling because they just can’t seem to keep their hands off each other, Dan reaches for his phone and types a message he’s been dying to send ever since he first laid eyes on Phil Lester.

 

**_Dan_ ** _: bry guess what??_

_-3:42pm_

**_Bryony_ ** _: wot m8_

_-3:44pm_

**_Dan_ ** _: we’re not being fuckwits anymore XD_

_-3:44pm_

**_Bryony_ ** _: it’s about bloody time_

_-3:45pm_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr @waveydnp :)


End file.
